Body Image and My Baby Girl, Part 2 . . . Dear Faith

Oh my goodness, raising this girl is going to be rough, and though I know raising kids is not easy, I'm perplexed because she's only nine...and it's already I-don't-know-what-to-do-now hard.  Today my thoughts are stuck on Thursday's tumultuous, tear-soaked, emotion-filled exchange where she talked about her body image...namely, that she is "fat."  Last night was not the first time we've discussed what it is to be confident and proud of yourself and loving yourself the way you are.  In fact, our first legitimate conversation of this type happened when she was four years old.  It's crazy that this flexible, energetic, joy-filled gymnast can doubt herself so deeply, yet when I think about the world we are living in and the standards which we are working against, I am harshly aware of how easy it is to feel inadequate.

Dear Faith,

I am writing to tell you about all the things that are wrong with the world and absolutely, stunningly perfect about you.  My words will not adequately describe the body-shaming culture in which you are being raised, nor will they ever be able to paint my incredible love for who you are, what you have done and will continue to do in my life.

Please understand that people are mean and they will judge and criticize you in nearly every element of your life: your physical appearance, the number of times you can jump rope per minute, how easily you can or cannot complete your math assignment, the clothes you wear, the food you eat, the house you live in, the way you speak, the way you smile, the friends you keep, the quality of your stuff, and the newness of your shoes.  You name it and people will judge you for it.  Some times they will celebrate these parts of your life, but often people will judge, envy and sharply hold you up against their version of The Way It Should Be.  And Faith, please understand that no one in this world can ever meet the expectations of this world...no one.  Not me, not you, and not even the person who is telling you you're not good enough.

The problem is that society is not teaching us to love the body and gifts that we have been given, so as your mother, I am doing the best I can to teach that to you.  God has blessed me with you, and you have been blessed with talents, goodness, kindness, sincerity, selflessness and beauty...so when you reduce your value and worth down to the size and shape of your body, you are tragically disconnected from the amazing gifts that make you YOU.

I've spent much of my life being embarrassingly aware of how my body is not The Way It Should Be, and only recently have I allowed myself to love it.  I remember the humiliation of being weighed in front of my peers in grade school; I will never forget the shame I felt on "uniform day" for every team I've ever played on, and each and every formal dress I've ever purchased made me uncomfortably aware of how I was far too "plus-sized" to meet the standards of this world.  I will not pretend that working through these moments was easy, but I always knew that I was more than what I weighed or my charge-you-extra dress size.  And that is what I want you to know and understand now.

I could write a list of my shortcomings and inadequacies, but instead I have begun to intentionally change the way I view myself.  My goal is for both of us to be comfortable in our skin and to celebrate what our bodies are capable of, and I pray that you can see that through me. Most importantly, my body has allowed me to become the mother of two amazing children, and it bears stretch marks and a soft middle that many would say are unbecoming, yet if I change my perspective I can see these flaws as a badge of honor and pride.

And perspective is what it comes down to, Faith.  Since the standards of this world are harsh and unkind, we must turn our back on what others say is The Way It Should Be, and we need to view ourselves and others with a loving eye.  An eye that is free from judgment, comparison and criticism.  I wish you could see yourself through my eyes because I see nothing but beauty from the inside out.

Don't ever forget that you are...

beautiful, intelligent, witty, powerful, compassionate, bold, thoughtful, creative, passionate, strong, and capable. 

And if anyone ever tells you that you are not good enough, always remember that THEY are wrong.

With more love than you can imagine,
Mom

Why Are We So Lucky?

It's not uncommon for Faith to covertly call me to her room for a private chat, and when she asks for those moments I always hold my breath.  But then, as I exhale, I ask myself, "what is it going to be today?"  Often these moments are emotionally charged and fueled by her need for sleep; topics range from mean kids in class to Connor being a terrible brother, and occasionally she tells me we love her less than him.  Tears are always involved, and there is never a quick fix.

So, when she poked her head down the stairs last night asking to chat with Kevin or me, he gave me the nod and off I went.  I found her sobbing and working hard to catch her breath; we had a good day, so I wracked my brain to anticipate her concerns.  Kevin and I had just been away for the weekend...so maybe she felt a need for a bit of extra attention.  Connor shot her with a nerf gun before she got in the shower...so maybe he was the culprit.  She got B+ in math...so maybe she wanted an A.  We had tacos for dinner...so maybe she wanted pizza.  It took a good minute or two before she was able to, tearfully, say this:

"Why are we so lucky?"

I leaned in to hug her tighter and asked her for clarification.

"I have a bed to sleep in.  I have a warm home.  I have people who care for me.  Why am I so lucky?"

More hugs, some calming words from me.  But my answers weren't good enough for her.

"Why is God so good to us when other people need so much?"

I have no words because I have no idea how to respond to a question this big...asked by a person so little.  She went on to say how thankful she is and continued to question whether it's fair.  I continued to hug her, and marvel at her questions and her legitimate concern for others.  When I ask where all of these ideas are coming from, she explained that Kevin had made a small donation to a food pantry the last time they went to Jewel.

"Mom, they're going to use that money to help people have food at Thanksgiving.  There are people who do not have food at Thanksgiving?!"

These are the moments where I know my little girl's innocence is slowly eroding away and being replaced by reality.  How do you tell her that life is often unfair and in many cases there is very little one person can do to change it?  How do you tell her that God is bigger than us, and that we can't always rationalize the things we don't understand?  How do you tell her that this world is a crazy, scary place where sometimes the best we can do is hope and pray for those who need our prayers and love?

And in the moment where my eyes welled up over her loving indignation, her nerf-gun-shooting little brother came into the room, and without missing a beat hugged the two of us...his tiny little arms doing all they could to take away the sadness he saw in our eyes.

I just love, love, love them.

After the hugs and wiped tears, we took deep breaths, said our prayers and started talking about ways in which we can help.  We truly have SO much to be grateful for, and now, sparked by her father's simple act, my little girl has reminded me how very important it is to spread kindness.  We haven't formulated a game plan, but we want to keep it local and help our neighbors...I have a feeling this little girl is about to do big things for those who need some kindness.

From Zero to 60...Day 60 {Part 2} Focus on Fitness

Okay, let's get to the fitness aspect of this 60-day Challenge.  This is definitely the element that I was LEAST excited about.  For many, many reasons...namely, I don't like to do it.  I knew I hated workout DVDs, and I didn't have a realistic space where I could complete these workouts.  Plus, I just knew I didn't have the time.  We had just come off the heels of the worst winter Chicagoland had ever seen, so I sure as hell was not going to go outside.

When I type that today, all I notice are the excuses...one after another, it is a list of reasons why I wouldn't let myself be successful.  Thankfully, I didn't allow myself to be talked into that pattern of excuse making this time around.

Excuse #1: I hate workout DVDs.
As I mentioned here, I have finally found a program that I not only LOVE, but that I look forward to doing every single day.  TurboFire is a cardio kick-boxing program with awesome music and a ton of variety.  After borrowing a few DVDs from my friend, Jen, I knew I had to buy the program because I needed to try all of the workouts, and I was bummed out when my workout schedule said that I needed a DVD that I didn't have.  That is a purchase that I know I will never regret, and Heaven knows that I have made my fair share of regrettable fitness related products...many of them at-home DVD programs.

TurboFire makes me happy, kicks my ass and leaves me confident that I have done something good for myself that day.  It had been a long time since I intentionally made my health a priority, and this workout program totally clicked with me.  One of my favorite lines from Chalene, the fitness instructor, occurs during the cool down of one of my favorite DVDs, and she says, "Realize just how luck you are to be able to workout this hard."  Well if that isn't awesome, I don't know what is.  This program is a blessing in my life.  I'm lucky to be able to do this...absolutely and undeniably.

Excuse #2: I don't have a realistic workout space.
True, I don't have space enough for equipment or lots of stuff, but in reality not a lot of space is needed.  Since I knew I didn't want to be punching, kicking and sweating in front of my family, I knew I had to take it to the basement...the freezing cold, dark, creepy, coal room-having basement.  I didn't want to, but I had to.  That was the difference.  I had to.  If I was going to make this work I had to find a reliable solution.  It is far from ideal...water seeps in, the windows are drafty and old, the lighting is bad, it's freezing in the winter and humid as hell in this early summer heat...but it's now one of my favorite places.  Crazy isn't it?

I swept the concrete floor, set up a card table for the TV, plugged it in, bought a yoga mat, and the rest is history.  The program really doesn't need much space, and my basement has just enough to make it perfect.

Excuse #3: I don't have the time.
Well, who does have the time?  Aren't we all over-burdened, over-worked, over-stressed, etc?  Yet we still find time to check Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest dozens of times a day?  Yes, like many mom's I run my kids to soccer and gymnastics, but I was starting to feel bad because I was doing the running after my afternoon commute, which is almost always an hour.  How on earth could I manage to drive home, take kids to activities, make dinner, make lunches for tomorrow, bathe children AND squeeze in a workout?  Not a chance, right? Wrong.

After, Angie, the co-leader of my Clean Eating Challenge, suggested that I join her Fitness Challenge group I really needed to think hard on those "no time" excuses.  How could other moms do it?  I had committed to eating better, why was it so hard to find the time to work out?  So, I decided that I had to make it happen, and since I knew the afternoons were out of the questions, morning became my only option.

Early, cold, dark mornings...in my aforementioned cold (now humid), dark, creepy basement.  But I did it.  I laid out my workout clothes (or sometimes slept in them), set my alarm for 4 a.m., got out of bed by 4:15 a.m. and that was it.  On day one I had completed my workout and posted my post-workout selfie by 5:20 a.m.  Yep...selfie...posted to the group Facebook page, all for the sake of accountability.  More on that later.  So, after day one, I knew that it was possible.  I woke up, worked out and made it to work on time without issue.

Fast forward to today, and I have completed a TurboFire workout 53 days since March 31st. Six of the 60 days were rest days and just one day was a skipped workout (but I did go for a walk on that day).  And that was because we had water enter the basement and destroy the laptop that I used for my workouts...so there I was in the 4 o'clock hour sad, not that the laptop was destroyed, but angry that I couldn't complete my workout.  Talk about a shift in perception?!  But seriously, 53 workouts?  I don't know that I can string together 53 leisurely walks to the park over the course of a summer.  That's how I know I've busted my "no time" excuse.  I made time.  Plain and simple.  It began to matter to me, so I made it work in my schedule.

In the midst of this early-morning craziness, my neighbor and friend, Marcy, and I have started spending about 45 minutes to an hour per day walking , when our schedules allow.  So, not only am I committing time to fitness in the morning, but I've also managed to find time in the evenings that I had previously thought was non-existent.  How awesome is that?

Why this Challenge Group has changed my life...
That sounds dramatic, doesn't it?  Really, Sarah, it's changed your life?  Yes.  This group of 17 mothers has been a wonderful source of accountability and support.  There was something in me that knew I needed to work out in the morning so I didn't let anyone down.  Going in, I had no idea what to expect; I just knew I wanted to do it right.  You want me to take a sweaty picture and post it...on the internet?  I've never taken a cell phone selfie in my life, and now I was going to do it post-workout?  But I did it...over and over again.  And I gained confidence from the posts of others.  I saw that other busy women took the time to care for themselves, so I continued to do so for myself.  We posted our daily meals, confessed when we had a bad day with some cookies from Jewel (I might speak from experience), took snapshots of our heart rate monitors (yep, I bought one) and we supported one another day in and day out.  I felt like I owed something to this group because they were sharing with me and inspiring me along the way.  So, yes.  It's changed my life.  I now know that it's much, much less about the scale and measuring tape than it is about loving who you are and who you are becoming, and that is why I believe in the challenge group concept in a very real way.

As I mentioned in my "Halfway There" post, I thought that the infomercial-based workout program was a gimmick that promised more than it can deliver, and I'm proud to say that it's delivering its promises, and I'm proof.  I'm not losing weight rapidly in an unhealthy fashion, and neither did the people you see in the advertisements.  They're losing because they've made a commitment to themselves and because they have made their health a priority in their lives.  That's what I know I'm doing here.  So, yes.  I'm all in.  I believe in this fitness concept of building up others with love, support and a quality fitness program.  I've already signed up for my next "Summer Slimdown" challenge because I can't wait to see what will continue to happen...I'm so amped to see where I'll be at the end of the summer!

Is it easy?  Not a chance?  Is it worth it?  You bet it is.

If you might be interested in joining a challenge group or have any questions about this whole doing-TurboFire-in-the-basement thing, let me know.  I would love to have my friends and family on this journey with me.

Results since March 17th Clean Eating Challenge:

Weight lost: -17 lbs.

Inches Lost
Waist: - 5.25
Hips: -2.5
Bust: -3.5
Left Arm: -1.5
Right Arm: -1
Thighs: -2 each
Left Calf: -1
Right Calf: - .75

Total Inches: 18.5

65 Consecutive days logging into My Fitness Pal

Until next time...

Click here to see what 60 days did to alter my focus on food.

From Zero to 60...Day 60 {Part 1} Focus on Food

31 days ago I told you that I had started changing my life, and as I wrote about my fitness journey to that point, I had a tiny self-doubting voice that kept wondering if I'd actually stick with it long enough to write about day 60.  Well, here I am, and I can confidently say that the voice is gone.  I am here, 60 days later, to tell you that I have made lasting and permanent changes in my diet and fitness routines, and yes, unlike 60 days ago, I actually do have a fitness routine.  And, not only do I have one, but I love it, I look forward to it, and I'm talking to people about it.

I am not the kind of person who publicly talks to people about what I'm eating or how and when I'm exercising.  In fact, I had been a fairly consistent Weight Watcher since college who was reluctant to even admit that I was a member...there was a sense of shame in it, rather than pride.  Looking back, that really sucks.  There was a huge part of me that was ashamed to admit that I was working towards making positive changes in my life.  How crazy is that?  Now, it's a different story.  I'm not exactly shouting from the roof tops or filling your newsfeeds with my workout updates (unless you're part of my FB challenge groups), but I am not shying away from discussing the legitimate fact that I am working hard to change my habits and my body.  There is also not an ounce of shame in what I am doing, instead I am proud, and that is one dramatic change from who I used to be.  To use Weight Watchers' old adage, "it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change."  I finally get that now.

Let's talk food.  As I mentioned, this all started when I happened upon the 5-day Clean Eating Challenge after spending a day on Pinterest learning all the web has to teach about raised bed gardening, and from there the tides turned.  I have made a conscious effort to eat intentionally in an effort to fuel, and not just fill, my body.  What can I put into it that will help me get the most out of it?  So, I have been working hard to eliminate chemicals and additives by being extremely selective in the products I buy.  Before I would read the labels and go immediately to the nutrition facts...fat, fiber, carbs.  Now it's the ingredients.  As Michael Pollan taught me, if my 3rd grader can't pronounce it, I'm not going to eat it.  It has wiped out a LOT of old favorites and convenience foods.  Take tacos for example, that little seasoning packet?  The first ingredient? Maltodextrin.  And it also contains a bit of Silicon Dioxide and Ethoxyquin.  Sounds delicious, right?  Pollan also asserts that if you can't think of where you'd buy it in it's natural form, then it's probably not a good idea to eat it.  His rules are simple, so I've worked to adopt many of them.

I'm also working to avoid added sugars and with the exception of occasional meals, I've almost completely eliminated bread.  Don't worry, Jimmy John's we can still hang out, just much less frequently.  Oh, Wheat Thins, I still love you, but what's with the added sugar?  Sugar in my crackers?  Until that's gone it's Triscuits for me (wheat, oil, salt).  I've also made a real effort to start buying some organic and local produce.  There's this list called the Dirty Dozen and Clean Fifteen which lists the most and least pesticide treated produce, and wouldn't you know it, most of what I eat comes from the 'dirty' side: apples, strawberries, grapes, spinach, bell peppers, cucumbers, potatoes, cherry tomatoes and summer squash.  Since I'm doing most of my shopping at Jewel, several organic options available but are limited; however, I'm consistently picking up organic strawberries, cucumbers, peppers and grapes, but I'm not sure how long I'll stick with the because the last batch I grabbed were so expensive that I literally gasped in the checkout line.

Despite the dent the groceries are having on my bank account, I know it's worth it.  Every bit of it.  I'm excited that I'm now aware and conscious about the choices that I'm making.  Don't get me wrong, I still eat an Oreo here and there (and I don't need an ingredient list to know that they are made of a chemical concoction), and I am seriously craving a Vienna Beef hot dog right now.  I know that my life is going to include those things, but being consistent in my healthy choices leads me to having the option of occasional indulgences...I like that much better than random fruits and veggies with my french fries.

Speaking of veggies, here's a photo of the garden box that Kevin built for me.  We spent the majority of last week prepping the garden bed for plants, and I'm most excited to say that all but 3 of the plants in the garden were purchased at the local farmer's market.  Faithy was super-impressed at what we got for $20, and she loved that he threw in the purple basil for free, "Free, Mom.  Free?"  I'm excited to see what this little garden yields, and I am excited to show my kids that food doesn't just come from the store.

I know that there are many more food-based improvements to be made, but for now I am proud of having increased my real food intake while almost eliminating chemical-filled food from my diet.  Diet soda, light, low-fat, fat free items?  Gone.  I've also changed my lunches so that they are almost always meatless, and I try to skip meat with dinner 1-2 times per week.  With the exception of my daily Shakeology breakfast smoothie and occasional morning coffee with half and half, exactly zero of my calories are coming from my beverages.  I can safely say that my weekday meals are 100% clean for breakfast and lunch...a dramatic change from who I used to be!  Weekends obviously lead to more challenges, but I approach them with thoughtfulness that I haven't had in the past.  How's that for making changes. :)

From food to fitness...click here to learn about what 60 days did to my perspective on fitness.

From Zero to 60...Day 29

March 31, 2014 was the beginning of a new chapter for me, and it's a chapter I've been having a great time writing.  It's really a wonderful story.  A story where the protagonist overcomes self-doubt and negative self-talk because she knows that there is so much to be gained in accomplishing the task that has been set before her.  Sure, she's tried to take this same journey more times than she can count, but for some reason this time is different.  She knows that she's been here and done this 100 times, but this time she knows that it's for real.  This time she's not relying on gimmicks, luck, chance or excuses...instead she's embracing hard work, finding the support of others while cheering herself on.  Doesn't it sound like a good chapter so far?  It is; I'm loving it.

In the middle of March I started thinking a lot about spring and the coming planting season, which always makes me look forward to my herb garden and all its loveliness.  While Pinning all the world has to offer about DIY herb gardens and raised-bed gardens, I started thinking hard about what I'm feeding my family.  And so began my Clean Eating Pin-binge.  I wanted to know more about cutting the processed food and bringing in more Real Food, and then I stumbled upon a Clean Eating 5-Day challenge on Facebook.

I can do anything for 5-days.  So I did.

I learned a lot about what it means to fuel my body rather than just eat mindless calories and chemicals.  Yes, chemicals...gross.  I loved it.  I felt better, I was so, so happy and I sincerely enjoyed every meal.  Why? Well, because it tasted good, was easy (enough) to prepare and it was darn good for me.  In the process I reread Michael Pollan's Food Rules, and started bringing the kids and Kevin (sometimes begrudgingly) along for the ride.  For the most part, the experience was a pleasant learning curve.  Only one dinner was rough, and everyone pretty much agreed that the frozen organic brown rice won't be served again because, as Connor would say, it tasted like plastic.  As a result of that week, we swapped out fruit snacks for raisins, raw almonds and dehydrated banana chips (gag...oh the horror...but the kids love them).  They supported me and no one died in the process as we cut out Hidden Valley's light Ranch, substituting it for a preservative-free version from Marzetti.  No more Country Crock -- instead a butter dish which sits nearly untouched.  Our new peanut butter only contains nuts and salt...what else could you ask for?  We added in whole grain pasta and lots of zucchini and asparagus...we were happy and we ate well.  It was awesome, so I knew I needed and wanted to make it stick.  This was the foreshadowing to the chapter that was about to begin.

Enter the 60-day Fitness Challenge...gulp.  And here is where I nearly always bow out.  As you may recall, I do not did not like to exercise, and if you didn't know that about me, read all about it here.  So when Angie, the super-awesome leader of the 5-Day Clean Eating Challenge, invited me to do the 60-Day Fitness Challenge, my response to her Facebook message was exactly this...

"Fitness is where I falter. Want me to modify me diet? I'm on it. Want me to move my butt? Well, let me think about it for a while. Then I get moving, get sore and...you know the rest. I'm not an excuse maker. Exercise is hard and I don't like it, and fitness DVDs are the worst at motivating me."

Thankfully, Angie didn't let me off the hook that easily. She encouraged me to try and find something I like...telling me to work with my old Billy Blanks dvds if that makes me happy. But then she mentioned TurboFire, and I was all eye-rolly and imagined the gimmicky infomercials where "Mary has lost 21 pounds in 4 minutes with TurboFire." I gave it a half-hearted thought and that was that, then started browsing Amazon Prime for workout dvds. I added a few to my Watchlist and begrudgingly told Angie to add me to the group, and I knew it was time to tackle my excuses, and I knew the biggest of all was TIME.

When on earth am I going to do this? My drive is at least 45 minutes each way...if it's not raining, sunny or Tuesday. When I get home I'm so tired, and we've got gymnastics and soccer...Kevin has random meetings and occasional late nights. Plus, when my kids 'help' me work out I feel like they're in the way, and I don't want any of us to get hurt because this isn't going to be pretty.

So I made the dramatic decision to...wait for it...wake. up. early. I already set my alarm for 4:40 am before deciding to add workouts to my schedule, so my choice to wake up early was a big one, but completely achievable if I really wanted to do this, and that was the thing... Something was making me really, really want to do this. It might have been the delightful zucchini and salmon dinners, but more likely, it was because I was finally ready to put myself first, in action, not just in words.  

Rumor has it that it takes 21 days to create a habit, and today marks 29 days, so I hope I'm not jumping the gun here, but I think this thing is going to stick. Today we are starting the 5th week of a roughly 8-week challenge, and I'm proud to say that I've been up early 25 of those days to get my workout in before work, soccer, Easter and all the other things that would have forced me to cross exercise off my list in the first place. I literally placed exercise as the first priority in my day, and 95% of the time I am super-excited to get to it. The other 4 days, you ask? Rest. Seriously who am I?

I'm able to do it because I did 'cave' to the eye-rolly infomercial magic of TurboFire because my friend Jennifer B. (I have a lot of Jen's) loaned me her dvds, and I've never looked back. I'm completely hooked on the kickboxing-cardio style, and I love Chalene, the fitness instructor. I love that she's not uber-chipper, nor is she tough and gruff (ahem, Jillian Michaels)...she's just awesome. Yes, I said it. I've found a workout program that is worth waking up at 4 am for!

I'm also completely in love with the accountability of the Facebook group and its daily check-ins and post-workout posts. The kind words of encouragement along with the success stories of those who are in the group inspire me to stick with it. It reminds me that when I do have a bad day (full of Easter candy and Fritos), all I have to do is just pick up right where I left off. This is about changing my lifestyle...it's about fitness and health, and most importantly, it's about being a better version of me, and these ladies are helping make it awesome!

I'm posting this with the hopes of keeping myself accountable and because I'm just so damn happy about this new chapter.  And that must be a good thing...waking up at 4 am to sweat my butt off, adding kale to smoothies, packing and planning weeks' worth of lunches and dinners, drinking water every chance I get, grilling fish and not burgers, adding in evening walks with my friend Marcy and feeling amazing along the way.  It's totally worth it.  Here's what's changed in the last 29 days (really, it's been a bit more time b/c of the 5-day Clean Eating Challenge)...can't wait to update on day 60!

1. I cancelled my Weight Watchers membership...that was a major step in the Clean Eating direction.  It's hard to connect a real food mentality to a company that sells and endorses products full of chemicals and preservatives (I'm looking at you Yoplait light and WW SmartOnes)...it just seemed a bit out of touch with the direction I'm heading.

2. Weight: -13.5 lbs

3. Measurements
    Waist: -3.5"
    Hips: -1.5"
    Bust: - 1.5"
    Thighs: -2" each
    Calves: -.5" each
    Arms: -1" each

4.  34 consecutive days logging with My Fitness Pal app.

Stay tuned for information about how this chapter ends...only 31 days to go.

See you then!

Click here to see my end-of-challenge post.

July 2013...I guess this is really happening.

We're moving. To Morris.  In about two weeks.

There, I've said it; that makes it official, doesn't it?  We've talked about moving for years now, and I always seem to think about moving like 30-somethings think about retirement.  It's wistful and dreamy, with that little cloudy fog around the edge of my daydream, the sun shines on a lake somewhere, and my friends are walking their golden retriever while they laugh their way onto my porch.  In my head, it's idealized, comfortable and lovely.  However, in reality, it kinda sucks.

I know that people move all the time.  I know that we are not different from others who have moved their families across town, across state lines or across the country.  I know that there is nothing easy about boxing up the life you know and packing it up for the unexpected.  I know that emotions are looming large as the closets become emptier and our comfort zone is stripped of its charm.  I know that people move all the time, I know, I know, I know...

To be fair, I AM in on this whole "moving thing"...Kev's certainly not whisking me away against my will, so understand that I'm excited and anticipating what is to come.  However, I'm in the middle of what my friend, Jen, would call "The Sads."  In fact, I sat down to type this with a light-hearted, airy tone about being eager for our next adventure and looking forward to whatever comes our way.  Then I started to type and my unfiltered heart poured onto this page.

Quite frankly, I'm overwhelmed, in a really good way.  Namely, I'm shocked that this is really going to happen.  In June, shortly after Kevin mentioned the potential new place, Nora and I ran into our friends Katie and Gerard.  While chatting, I mentioned that we were working on finally making the move before the summer was over.  I remember an internal eye-roll and telling myself that it would be an absolute miracle if we got our lives together enough to make that happen before the end of the summer...we've been talking about it for years...and years...and years.  Yet, here we are, tip-toeing into August with boxes packed, children registered and fingers crossed.  Absolutely overwhelmed...apparently we're growing in our ability to get our lives together -- it's about damn time.

There will certainly be a few trade-offs once this move is official.  Namely, the length of my commute, and I will say it here so everyone can know that I understand that the commute will not be fun...especially because I-80 is my main route...especially in the winter.  It seems that everyone wants to weigh in on the absolutely awful nature of my daily commute.  Yes, it will suck.  Thank you for reminding me (remember, I'm a bit unfiltered right now).

My heart is heaviest for my little girl right now, as she is torn between the loss of the little world she's built in Manhattan and the excitement over a new bedroom and new friends at a new school.  She has been having daily crying spells, which she calls "meltdowns" once she's recovered from them...it is remarkable how quickly they come upon her and I'm also impressed by how quickly she recovers.  She's tough, resilient and a really awesome kid...no matter where she lives that's not going to change.  CJ, on the other hand, just doesn't get it.  "Ugh, I wish we moved already!"  When I explain that we need time to pack our things for the new house, he replies with legitimate exasperation and tells me that we can just use the clothes, toys and soap that are already at the new house.  Pure innocence, and I love it.

So, yes.  The Bogards are moving, and despite much of what I wrote above, we are all pretty excited about it.  We're excited about Morris, for a lot of reasons.  We have a church there, and I am looking forward to calling it "Our Church."  We love the river, and can easily walk to it from our new home.  The kids already have favorite restaurants: Faith = Bellacino's, Connor = Corleone's.  Daddy will be working close to home, and we're all very happy about that.  We already know two sets of neighbors, and they're lovely people, who I'm sure will lend us a cup of sugar if we need one.  Faith is already looking forward to her first date, "I think it's going to be at the Sandlot" {Heaven help us}.  And we're going to have a lovely front porch...and it's like the porch in my retirement daydreams -- begging for a porch swing, morning coffee, friendly laughter and easy conversations with those we love.

The Readiness Is All.

One of the most memorable college "lessons" I ever learned was taught to me by Dr. Kelly Norman Ellis in my Women's Voices course at Chicago State University.  I don't remember much about the titles we read, nor do I remember the papers I wrote.  I do, however, remember that the class was held at 3:30 p.m., following tennis practice...which meant that I was perpetually exhausted.  I often wish I could have a re-do in that class because I knew that Dr. Ellis was an amazing woman, poet, teacher...vibrant, exciting, passionate and honest.

This "lesson" came on the day that we were having our wrap-up discussion about Jane Eyre, a novel that I had barely pretended to read.  In fact, I barely even watched the movie I rented.  In high school, I read the books...for the most part...or at least three-quarters of each novel assigned...okay, okay, maybe half.  Yet, I always managed to find a way to work through the discussions and essays and get A's in most of my English classes.  In college, I read -- a lot -- mostly because I had learned that faking my way through was a lot harder than actually reading the darn book.  Yet, for some reason, I decided to not even fake my way through Jane Eyre.  Didn't even try.  Still, to this day, I don't know much about it...except there might be a lady in the attic?  Or maybe that was Emily Dickinson?  Either way, I digress. 

I can still imagine the wave of self-induced shame that crept up on me that day in Dr. Ellis' class.  I was tired, the room hot.  A handful of people had read it; most had not.  After a few too many empty stares and shallow answers,  my sense of guilt intensified and the room grew hotter still.  The professor let the tension build and finally allowed the responsible students run with the discussion.  I dutifully took notes and promised myself that I might think about reading Jane Eyre someday.  It was in that moment that Dr. Ellis shared her Jane Eyre reading experience with us...I don't remember the details (though I wish I did), but I do remember that she had tried reading it several times before it stuck.  She explained that sometimes readers are just not ready for the texts that are placed in front of them.  It doesn't mean they are exempt from the expectations of the course or the teacher, it just means that they are not truly ready to experience the text for what it's worth.  That idea made me take pause because at the time, I was taking an algebra class that, for the first time in my life, made sense to me; the class covered the same concepts I had struggled with the year before, but I was now getting B's without hours of frustration.  Could it be possible that I was just finally ready to learn math?  And someday I'd be ready for Jane Eyre?

It's an idea that is ever-present in my classroom and my day-to-day lesson planning, and I think of Dr. Ellis and that moment often.  My students might not be ready for this today, but they may be tomorrow (or next quarter, semester, year).  That doesn't mean they are exempt from the expectations of the course or the teacher, it just means they're not ready YET.

So what?  Why all this talk about reading readiness in the middle of the summer without any students to speak of?  Well, because I'm reading Othello, and I'm ready for it.  Have I read it before?  Yes, three times.  Do I know what it's about?  Yes, deception, lust, ambition...what most of Shakespeare is centered around.  But this time it's so, so different.  I decided I to reread Othello when I was surrounded by uber-pretentious teachers at my June AP Summer Institute...mostly because some of them said it wasn't worth teaching because it was "too accessible to the student."  Huh, too accessible, you say?  I thought that was the point...especially with Shakespeare.  No?

So, as I drove home on the last day of the Institute, I bought myself a new copy of Othello with oodles of text notes and several lofty essays about how to access the language of the play.  Then, when I knew the kids were sleeping soundly, I grabbed a pen and a highlighter and I read it "from scratch" with the goal of simply knowing and understanding the text in a clearer, more precise way.  And, the best part is that I have learned that I am ready for it now...and I love that.  I'm transfixed by Shakespeare's words, and since I'm reading it for pleasure and understanding, I can take my time and dive into the footnotes, ask questions, use a dictionary and carefully annotate the text.  This time the characters are more developed and interesting to me.  Iago is more vile than ever; Desdemona's defiance seems to be made of equal parts passion and head-strong disobedience, and I am noticing Othello's vulnerability at every turn.  I've only just finished Act I; perhaps I'll finish soon, or maybe it will be next quarter...semester...year.  However, so far, my marginalia is lovely and my understanding is ten times more perceptive than it was the last time I despised Iago; and that is exciting...because I now know that I am ready.