Connor is Getting Way Too Big

Connor has been on my mind a lot lately, and it recently occurred to me that I've never written a post solely about my little guy. Not because there's nothing to write about...but probably because that's what happens when you're not the first baby.  I stop and mark all of Faith's milestones with carefully crafted blog posts, while CJ cruises through them with a high-five and a Facebook photo. Yesterday, while visiting with friends I nearly choked over the fact that Faith was going into 5th grade, but tears quickly filled my eyes when I stopped to note that "my baby" would be starting first grade.

I love summer with him. He's my early-rising-climb-into-bed buddy and we regularly watch PBS kids while I sip my coffee and browse whatever Facebook and Pinterest have to offer.  It's our "thing," and it's not special...but it is...because he'll turn to me to say "I love you, Mama" and will then snuggle in for a brief minute, and I always hold on just a second or two longer than he had planned. He's my favorite hug-giver...hands down.

Mommy-Son Date Night:
He bought me an apple
and these flowers

This summer has been a fun one with him because I love the simplicity of his play. He's at an age where the technology is still momentary, while the allure of a Hot Wheel car jumping a cardboard box ramp is just about the coolest thing in the world. When I asked him recently what his favorite thing to do was, he asked and answered, "Ever? My favorite thing to do? I think it's ride my bike." Simplicity. We lack playmates on the block and I'm not the arrange-a-playdate kinda mom, so we keep it simple during these slow summer days. Yesterday he beamed with pride when he told me he had finally split a 4x4 he had been working on with a screw and a hammer...better than an ax, right? I'll admit, his desire to bang nails and work with Dad's tools took some time for me to come to terms with, but now it's pretty normal. "Oh, you're just playing with a hammer? Okay, just keep it out of the mud"...real words from me this week.

His first fish of the year at Woodhaven

I also love his tender little heart and his serious desire to own a pet. We've been fortunate to be watching Aunt Kristy and Uncle Ben's dog, Junior, for the past week, and he loves nothing more than being his buddy. From tickling his paws to checking out his teeth, Connor wants everything to do with Junior...and the best part is that Junior has picked Connor's bed to curl up on every single night. He just thinks that's the coolest. Tomorrow, Junior heads home, and I think CJ may miss him the most. Someday he'll have a dog to care for, and he's got quite a plan for a few barn cats that he wants to own...once we own a barn, of course.

As I was trying to fall asleep tonight, I kept running my afternoon through my head and couldn't shake what a

CJ at his "favorite splash pad ever."

big kid Connor is becoming. Yes, he still snuggles and climbs on my lap before bed, but his little kisses are getting harder and harder to come by. He's recently decided to give them out less frequently, and that's just too sad for me. Another growing up moment happened today when we went to the community pool. As soon as we entered he saw a friend...he looked at the friend...looked back at me...kicked off his flip flops...and jumped right in. He's the kid who literally clung to me when we swam in early July, and now he's jumping in and leaving me behind to mind his flip flops. Oh what a metaphor that is. Eventually his friend left and he pulled me over to the basketball hoop at the edge of the pool where he edged his way in with the big kids to shoot as often as he could get the rebound...and then asked to stand on my knees so he could dunk. Yes, little man, anything to see your smile as you hang from the rim (with one arm) and beam with happiness. I won some major Mom Points because after the pool closed we went to a park nearby to swing on the swings. When he asked I nearly said no...why? Why do I say no to things that are so stinking simple? So there we were. "Push me, Mama," said my big kid who can easily do it himself, and so I did. I pushed him until he got "too high" and we laughed over silly stories of rockets attached to his butt to help him spin all the way around the bar. It was a perfect moment, and I knew I wanted to write it down so I could keep it forever.

I'm at the point in my summer where my brain flips into Work Mode, and I have a workshop tomorrow that will turn that mode into high gear. This is usually about the time where I've had enough of this stay-at-home-mom stuff, but this summer I am way in love with my big kids. I'm in love with their personalities, with their simple routines, and with the way they just roll with it. They don't need big and fancy...and quite frankly, neither do I. I know that I can count the days until summer of 2015 is in the books, and this time around it's making me sad because I'm quickly understanding how big these kids are getting; and lately my heart is aching over Connor and his big-kid ways. So, for now I'll make the best of the days that are left (following tomorrow's workshop of course). I'll try not to "Shush" him as he mindlessly crows like a rooster, I'll let him linger in my lap a few minutes longer before bed, I'll celebrate creativity when he attaches a hand mirror to a toy truck to use as a "phone launcher," I'll do all that I can to say yes to simple things like a bike ride and swing at the park. The end of this summer is bittersweet for sure, but mostly because, as my Grammie and Papa would have said, my baby is "getting too big for his britches," and it's making this Mama sad.

Body Image and My Baby Girl, Part 2 . . . Dear Faith

Oh my goodness, raising this girl is going to be rough, and though I know raising kids is not easy, I'm perplexed because she's only nine...and it's already I-don't-know-what-to-do-now hard.  Today my thoughts are stuck on Thursday's tumultuous, tear-soaked, emotion-filled exchange where she talked about her body image...namely, that she is "fat."  Last night was not the first time we've discussed what it is to be confident and proud of yourself and loving yourself the way you are.  In fact, our first legitimate conversation of this type happened when she was four years old.  It's crazy that this flexible, energetic, joy-filled gymnast can doubt herself so deeply, yet when I think about the world we are living in and the standards which we are working against, I am harshly aware of how easy it is to feel inadequate.

Dear Faith,

I am writing to tell you about all the things that are wrong with the world and absolutely, stunningly perfect about you.  My words will not adequately describe the body-shaming culture in which you are being raised, nor will they ever be able to paint my incredible love for who you are, what you have done and will continue to do in my life.

Please understand that people are mean and they will judge and criticize you in nearly every element of your life: your physical appearance, the number of times you can jump rope per minute, how easily you can or cannot complete your math assignment, the clothes you wear, the food you eat, the house you live in, the way you speak, the way you smile, the friends you keep, the quality of your stuff, and the newness of your shoes.  You name it and people will judge you for it.  Some times they will celebrate these parts of your life, but often people will judge, envy and sharply hold you up against their version of The Way It Should Be.  And Faith, please understand that no one in this world can ever meet the expectations of this world...no one.  Not me, not you, and not even the person who is telling you you're not good enough.

The problem is that society is not teaching us to love the body and gifts that we have been given, so as your mother, I am doing the best I can to teach that to you.  God has blessed me with you, and you have been blessed with talents, goodness, kindness, sincerity, selflessness and beauty...so when you reduce your value and worth down to the size and shape of your body, you are tragically disconnected from the amazing gifts that make you YOU.

I've spent much of my life being embarrassingly aware of how my body is not The Way It Should Be, and only recently have I allowed myself to love it.  I remember the humiliation of being weighed in front of my peers in grade school; I will never forget the shame I felt on "uniform day" for every team I've ever played on, and each and every formal dress I've ever purchased made me uncomfortably aware of how I was far too "plus-sized" to meet the standards of this world.  I will not pretend that working through these moments was easy, but I always knew that I was more than what I weighed or my charge-you-extra dress size.  And that is what I want you to know and understand now.

I could write a list of my shortcomings and inadequacies, but instead I have begun to intentionally change the way I view myself.  My goal is for both of us to be comfortable in our skin and to celebrate what our bodies are capable of, and I pray that you can see that through me. Most importantly, my body has allowed me to become the mother of two amazing children, and it bears stretch marks and a soft middle that many would say are unbecoming, yet if I change my perspective I can see these flaws as a badge of honor and pride.

And perspective is what it comes down to, Faith.  Since the standards of this world are harsh and unkind, we must turn our back on what others say is The Way It Should Be, and we need to view ourselves and others with a loving eye.  An eye that is free from judgment, comparison and criticism.  I wish you could see yourself through my eyes because I see nothing but beauty from the inside out.

Don't ever forget that you are...

beautiful, intelligent, witty, powerful, compassionate, bold, thoughtful, creative, passionate, strong, and capable. 

And if anyone ever tells you that you are not good enough, always remember that THEY are wrong.

With more love than you can imagine,
Mom