As I type this, I have 202 Facebook friends; I follow 155 people on Twitter, and 50 people follow me. On digital "paper," I'm good in the friendship department...my social needs are surely being met, right? When I had a raging headache at 2:08 am today, I turned to my "friends" for the needed distraction. I read a few random facts on Twitter, I saw that my Facebook "friends" were happily entertaining themselves at the bars or posting witty and ironic postcards with bizarre quotes. There were the requisite "My life is awesome, wanna see?" posts coupled with the "Damn, I hate this shit" posts. It did little for my headache, and even less for my desire to feel connected...it was 2:24 am, my head still hurt like hell, and my fleeting experience with my phone just pissed me off.
I feel like this has potential to become an extended version of an "I hate this shit" post, so if you'd rather not proceed I completely understand...in fact, you better go hide/delete me on Facebook...Later.
I consider myself blessed in thousands of ways, and every night I do my best to count those blessings and thank God with an overflowing heart. Because of Kevin, Faith, Connor and Nora, my daily life is rich in love and full of simple pleasures. I consider myself to be a happy, well-adjusted wife and mother; life is good. Honest.
However, I still feel really, really lonely...and isolated...and annoyed. I spend 9 months of the year in a classroom full of chatty, boisterous children...lots of them. I should be relishing the summer solitude, but I just haven't seemed to make it happen. Instead I'm frustrated by the lack of peace and people I've been able to find this summer. Aside from a few lunch dates and a few daycare days, it's been the kids, Nora and me; with Kevin coming in to help wrap it up in the evenings. We've made a few summer memories, but mostly we've just moved through our summer days one lazy day at a time...please note that I'm super thankful for the lazy element of these days.
But today has just got me thinking about the irony of being lonely when I'm obviously "connected" to over 200 people. Some of my "friends" are family members who like my status more often than we talk on the phone, others are friends of friends who I've only met a handful of times, still others are students who I have not seen once since they've graduated, but then there are some people who really are or have become real friends. There are the friends of friends whom I value for their inspiring posts and kind hearts, there are the coworkers who make me laugh when it's needed most, the students who are "grown up" now, and there are the family and friends who love and encourage though their "likes" and posts...maybe we spoke yesterday or maybe it's been years.
I'm in a bit of a funk lately (nothing major...just a kids-are-making-me-crazy-when-will-this-get-easier kind of funk), and I've only shared that with a few people whom I have seen face-to-face this summer. Yet, I still frequently seek a pick-me-up through those digital outlets that have become a consistent requirement of my daily life. Sometimes it is found there, but often it is not. Facebook, twitter, etc. have made us more connected then ever, but I think I prefer people lately. I want to look people in the eyes; I want to laugh with them instead of LOL with them.
Ironically, I have typed this in my backyard while 7 kids wrestle, ask for food, beg for the hose to be turned on and argue...I have ignored these people [children, only 2 of which are mine] while I stare at a digital device. Yet, as I began this post my littlest love came up to me, rubbed my arm with his tiny little marker-stained hand and asked, "Mommy, do you need love?"
Yes, Connor...that is what I need lots and lots of love from real people, just like you.
p.s. Found this article after writing this post...Interesting. Is Facebook Making Us Sad?
p.p.s. No need to be concerned for me...see paragraph 3. Also, if you need further reassurance, please read my previous blogs...life is good today.
